London has become very real... AGAIN!!
It’s been a while and I may be rusty at this blogging melarky but allow me to explain where I've been...
Raising so much money for Abbie's Fund was incredible and I was humbled at the amount of people that supported me to raise funds whilst doing my 15 in 15 challenges. Katy (the founder of Abbie's Fund) has become a lifelong friend because of her beautiful little girl and I will forever support her (and her husband Paul) with the wonderful work she does for so many families.
I raised £2,600 over the course of 2015 which enabled Abbie's fund to collate some 104 memory boxes to help devastated families with their grief after losing something more precious than anyone can imagine. There isn't a day goes by I don't think of our own precious little girl and how different life would have been if she was still with us. Charlotte would be in her teenage years now. I have to buy flowers instead of frocks and I have to clean my own makeup from my face as the tears fall rather than be out buying some for her. What I wouldn’t give to be able to take her to a girlie concert!
They say there is no grief greater than having to bury your own child and they are right. My heart aches for life to be so different but no matter how hard I cry it won't bring her back..... I can however help other people's grief. Although Abbie's fund wasn't formed when I lost my baby, Katy has no idea how much Abbie's fund has helped my own grief.
15 in 15 happened at a tough time in my life, it’s 5 yrs ago and life had moved on but let's just say that the challenge allowed me to release a lot of tension... pounding the streets seems to allow you to do that!! Along with my trainers and my amazing friends and family, I got through the year... just.
It wasn't without pain, heartache or emotion but I got through and I came out the other side stronger... and possibly, no definitely a bit harder.
My body didn't come out quite so well. I worked it above and beyond what it was used too and pushed it further than it was capable of and I paid the price. I got more than the marathon low runners speak of, I got that and a lot more to boot...injury. Thinking I was invincible I carried on running injured and 'surprise surprise', the injury didn't get better, it just got worse.
But, it wasn't just running I lost, I lost focus, I lost friends, I lost my passion, I lost self belief.. I lost me!!
The only things I did gain were self loathing, inadequacy... and weight.
My rock of a husband Ray has kept my head up for me, often holding it in place when all I have wanted to do is let it fall to the floor. He warms my heart with his love and respect of me... even when I don't love and respect myself. Sometimes it's as though he can read my mind and we have the same heartbeat... I only need to be out and feeling anxious or thinking of him and a text comes through to make sure I'm ok and to tell me he loves me. I seriously do bless the day he walked into my life but he (and everyone else) knows that because I make no secret of letting him and people know how much I love him back.
Our beautiful son Benji keeps my heart strong, I am so immensely proud of him. Of his attitude towards people and life in general and everything he is achieving in his new high school. I know I say it all the time but who'd have ever thought our tiny 10 week premmie would grow to be such a beautiful, well mannered, loving, caring little man! But then should I have ever doubted it with such an amazing father as a role model? No not really.
Everyone has 'core' friendships. You know, the ones that, like any relationship give 50/50. You ring each other at any time of the night or day and everything will be dropped. If we're unable, or busy there will be phone calls or texts to 'check in'. We can laugh, cry, rant, scream and put the world to rights knowing we will not be judged, advice and help is given and the world will be put back into place. I'd be in a much worse place without them all around of that I'm sure and like Ray and Benji I truly don't know where I'd be without them.
I've always been a great believer of positive breeds positive and I'd got myself in a negative rut that I haven't seemed to get out of.
I had been lucky enough to gain a ballot place for the VLM London marathon 2018. My magazine landing on the doorstep in October ‘17 proved that the system is completely random, having also won my VLM ballot place back in 2014... you have to be in it to win it as the saying goes.
Still carrying my Achilles/calf injury and the fact that 2019 would be my 50th year it was decided that I would defer my place and run VLM in April 2019.
With a house move in 2016 and having lost most of my fitness, running nothing more than 1-2 miles probably a month I hit an all time low. I was trying so desperately hard to even ‘exist’ and with next to no self worth I had to sit and evaluate my life and fast. With this in mind and trying to build my ever growing cake business Elliegantly Made, in July of 2018 I handed in my notice of co-ordinating East Hull Fitmums.
It was a huge step for me to leave having gained the post from Nikki and holding it for 3 years. I was under no illusion that it would have an impact on my life but I had no idea just how much. I had time for me, to gain myself again and ‘sort my sh*t’ out! I got a training plan from Neil (one of our Fitmums coaches) and started back out at a mile.
My circle seemed to change significantly when I stepped down from EHFM. People who I’d opened my heart, home and life too seemed to leave me which didn’t seem to help the downward spiral I have gotten myself into. There’s a saying that goes around... if someone is quiet, cancels going for coffee or going out ask if they’re ok.... I wasn’t... what a shame some of those I cared for didn’t ask but I also appreciate there aren’t just my problems out there. I wrongly assumed that such a huge change in my circumstance may have made people question me?
Luckily for me, I have had some amazing support and I seriously hope I don’t miss anyone out now apologies if I do!)
Donna, without you on my long runs I’d not be running London this weekend I’d be walking it, thank you... Hull is calling our name, let’s do it? 😉😘
Most Saturday or Sunday mornings Donna and I have been up at the crack of dawn for a long run but have always had a Raymondo’s special bacon banjo at the end.
Elaine, thank you for putting in the miles with me, listening to me waffle and being there for me. Never forget how special you are!
To the regular Tasty girls Donna, Elaine, Carol and Sue (not forgetting Trev of course) and to other ladies that sometimes joined me/us, Vicki, Helen B, Michelle, Lynne, Emma and anyone I’ve forgotten thank you.
To Katie B, Amanda and Tammy who have just got back into running themselves, thank you for putting in some of the last miles with me you all warm my heart.
To Alan, my physio. Thank you for ‘sorting me out’ 😂 seriously though, you’ve not just helped sort my calves and achilles out we have put the world to rights.
To my amazing husband and gorgeous boy who have sometimes pushed me out of the door when I’ve least wanted too thank you and to my nearest and dearest friends, you know who you are and some of you have already been mentioned from the bottom of my heart thank you xxx
I also have to give a huge shout out to my Dr. Jane Stevenson.
I went to see her at the beginning of this year and she was astounded how I was even functioning the way I was feeling never mind putting on my trainers to run and/or exercise 3-5 times a week.
I have to say categorically that it is with her help and care and the help and care of my amazing family and the beautiful friends I have in my life - I really wouldn’t be where I am now... on the train London bound and about to embark on the run of my life.
Of all the weekends to run in London, Benji is driving for Holderness Academy’s Afterburners club in the electric car race around Hull on Sunday. Thank you to Katy, Si, Jeanie, Mel, Tammy and Ian for being his support crew and making it so special for him. I know he will do his best and we have already made a pact between us to be thinking of each other to spur each other on.
Of course this weekend won’t without its heartache.... I will obviously be thinking of our beautiful daughter Charlotte, my dad, Els, Bill, Trevor, Ken and all those we have lost. BUT, I know beyond a shadow of doubt they will be on my shoulder but not weighing me down they will be lifting me up and helping me cross that finish line!!
Good luck to everyone this weekend, give it your best, follow them dreams, get that bling!!
Much love
Ellie
xxx
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