When I was 20 years oldmy first husband and I were told that without medical intervention (on both his part and mine) we couldn't have children so I went through life thinking I couldn't have kids. This was so hard for me as all I ever wanted out of life from a very young age was to be a Mum.
17 years later in February 2004 Ray and I realised we were pregnant and as you can imagine were absolutely overjoyed. I had a very healthy pregnancy and we even managed to be able to go on our cruise just before the 5 1/2 month travel deadline.
Our heartache came on the 11th June 2004 about a week after getting home from our cruise when I went into premature labour at 5 1/2 months pregnant and gave birth to our beautiful little girl Charlotte Amelia Birch at 14:10. Her gestation was a concern as she was on the border line whether she would survive or not but she was just too small. As soon as we said hello to our precious little girl we had to say goodbye.
Thursday was such a bad day for me as I relived every moment of what happened 5 years ago.
I think this year was made worse by the fact that Dad isn't here either so everything about losing him came flooding back too. I carried myself through the day with the thought that he would be up there looking after her and teaching her all he taught me as a little girl . . . . .If he bestows half the values he bestowed on me then I would be proud!!
So to my question . . . . . Is time a healer??
I don't think time heals I think you just deal with it differently.
I believe that things happen for a reason. Without Charlotte we wouldn't have known and maybe we wouldn't have Benjamin?
Anniversaries are a time for reflection and grief to overflow, I'm not saying we never cry or we ever forget the rest of the year, I think of her everyday! We just end up concentrating our ultimate sadness into one day!
Our loss certainly brought Ray and I closer together as we both dealt with our grief and now I know my Dad is up there watching over her and looking after her. Thank you Dad xxx
I held Benjamin closer than I had ever held him before and I'm sure he knew there was something wrong as he was so attentive and all he wanted to do was play and give me cuddles bless him. I then walked him to school and threw myself into work for the rest of the afternoon. Ray picked him up and they went shopping. By the time I returned from the salon there was a beautiful bouquet of roses and a card from him and Benj. Both it and the flowers melted my heart and made me smile.
I then realised once again why I was on this road! I love my husband and my son unconditionally and I couldn't imagine life without them. I'm not on a diet, I'm on a healthy eating plan which is going to last me for life!! I DO NOT want to go back to the dark, horrible, sad place I was in in January weighing nearly 20 stone. I want to FEEL healthy, LOOK healthy but more importantly I want to LIVE!!!
One of my clients asked me the other day 'What makes you so sure you won't put all your weight back on again Ellie?' My answer to Lucy was 'I much prefer the healthier happier me today to the overweight, sad, depressed, unhealthy me in January and in another 6 months I will hopefully like the me then better than the me now. I know it's not a quick fix and I know it's for life'.
Another friend asked this weekend 'Because I'm calorie counting does that mean I'll never be able to taste my wonderful cheesecake again?!' Yes I will Al because I can eat anything I like and if there is one thing I like it's food!! We have always tried different foods I was just sick of cheesecake as we seemed to be having it at every 'dinner' party we held.
A singing friend of mine, Tracey and I were talking about dunking digestive biscuits (in wine heehee) when she asked me to send her some willpower! I replied whilst eating a Curly Wurly!!!! - Everyone seems to think we sit and eat salads all day, we really don't. We eat all sorts of foods just in the right quantities!!
I have to say at this point that am aware that some people do not like calorie counting and might possibly be sick of hearing me go on about it but it works for me! I have consistently lost weight every week and I can eat anything I like as long as it's with my daily intake. Yes we eat healthier foods but that's purely so we can eat more of it!!!!!!
Weigh in . . . . . . . . . . ANOTHER 3LB BITES THE DUST!!!!!
OH MY LORD!! The Edinburgh Moonwalk is only a week away. Apart from marrying my husband and getting pregnant it is probably on my top ten list of greatest achievements in my life - MY FIRST EVER MARATHON!!!!!!
For you cynics out there I'm under no illusion that it is going to hurt!! What I do know is that we have done 20 miles (albeit during the day) and we still had another 6 in us. We have trained hard. Mentally we are ready - YES we are going to ache but with the training that we have done our recovery time is going to be so much shorter, so much so I am going to dress up to the nines on Sunday night and go out for a slap up meal and eat all the calories I burnt off on the way round!!!!
So with my training where it should be, my mental attitude in check and my bra decorated I'm ready. We will be happy to do it within 9 hours and delighted to do in under 8 hours. But in whatever time we complete our 26.2 miles we do not really care, the euphoria will see us through until the end collecting our medals.
I look forward to telling you all about it next week
God bless and once again thank you for all your love, support and help on the long,, rocky road!